Philophobia and I

What's philophobia?? And why I'm going to write this one?? Alright then, first I wanna tell you what's philophobia mean?? Philophobia is phobia of love. Someone who suffer this disease usually fear for being of love. Usually they think hunderd times for being in love. People who got this phobia have multiple reason about their fearness. So, what's the relation of this phobia with me?

Well, I guess I got philophobia. Cause I fell afraid and lil bit paranoid when I adore a boy. I'm afraid they'll hurt me and they'll leave alone in these condition And I don't wanna make it come true. Well I'm not sure since when I got this phobia. But I guess I got it since I broke up with my ex. And I try so hard to let him go. And since that occurence, I don't wanna fall in love with any boy. That's not mean I'm a lesbian. That's mean I'm philophobia, but I'm normal.

Philophobia may heal and the suspects may comin through. But as a suspect, I feel not easy to comin through. Philophobia doesn't head off my activities, it doesn't head off my live. But I feel uncomfortable when my friend ask me : hey do you have a boyfriend? and I answer : no. I don't think bout it. I guess I got Philophobia. And usually they'll said :Are you crazy or something? better you go to psychiartist. Or some of them said : You didn't get philophobia. You just not ready yet to open your heart with another boy. Just try to open it.

For girls in the same age with me, They can't live without her boy. But I'm sure I can live with or without boy. Even I got this philophobia and I can live without bout and I can't live without my cat. Philophobia won't kill me. But it will make my love story slower than other and have different story with a girl who doesn't feel it.

I don't when I'll coming through, but I try to get up and open my heart to another boy. But not now, I open it when I'm ready

sabtu kelam, kelabu, agak bapuk

Pagi-pagi, abis sholat shubuh, kaka gue teriak-teriak "anak kucing pada mati." awalnya gue ga percaya, paling mereka cuma lemes,sakit. mungkin nanti siang gue bwa ke dokter. ternyata, pas gue ke belakang, gue nemuin jasad 4 kucing gue di dalem ember gede warna merah, dan mereka semua udah GA BERNYAWA. gue shocked banget. yang bisa gue lakuin cuma nangis waktu itu. gue ga nyangka mereka semua pergi secepat itu. rasanya baru kemaren mereka lahir. baru kemaren gue main sama mereka, liat mereka di dapur sama si bibi, liat cleo di kamar kaka gue lagi tidur. dan besoknya, mereka semua udah ga ada. miris banget, gue mikir aja kenapa mereka sakit pas banget sama keadaan kantong gue yang sakit pula. tanggal tua boy, uang tinggal 50 ribu di dompet, punya utang pulsa 15 ribu, di transfernya masih 2 hari lagi, dan gue harus beli ba bi bu untuk bertahan hidup *lebay*. cleo udah dikasih obat muntah sama kaka gue. sampe sekarang kita belum tau pasti apa penyebab mereka muntah-muntah begitu. cleo lagi hamil, gue inget ngeongannya dia minta dibukain pintu, minta dielus, minta makan, dan sekarang gue cuma bisa nginget aja, dan ga bisa gue denger lagi ngeongannya. 3 hari lalu, cleo masuk ke rumah, biasanya kalo gue naik ke tangga dia bakal ngikut naik, tapi kali ini dia cuma ngeliatin gue dari bawah, entah apa maksudnya, tapi gue ga anggep itu sebagai sebuah pertanda gue lebih anggep dia males naik ke atas.
perasaan gue baru ngejar-ngejar naomi, *kucing gue yang lain, yang mati juga*waktu dia main di dapur, gue mau berangkat ke kantor, dan dia liat gue di kolong meja, seperti biasa dia ngeliatin gue, tapi begitu gue samperin dia pergi. gue baru bilang "naomi cantik, kamu gembrot ya." dan dia liat gue dengan tatapan yang innocent. seperti biasa. naomi ga keliatan sakit, tapi jumat kemaren, gue liat dia agak lemes, that's it. ga kepikiran yang lain
dua foto ini naomi, gue bakal upload foto timmy cleo dan vero, mungkin gue akan ngebajak hape kaka gue besok

Timmy, abang gue selalu bilang dia si tupai, mungkin karena buntutnya yang kaya tupai dan dia lincah banget. timmy cuma lemes satu hari, tapi si bibi yang biasa ngerawat mereka ga diem gitu aja. bibi juga kasih mereka vitamin kok, biasanya setelah dikasih vitamin itu, mereka jadi berangsur membaik dan mulai mau makan, tapi entah kenapa, yesterday was damnly different.
Vero, yang ini lebih aneh lagi, jumat kemaren sebelom gue pergi, vero masih lincah yang lain udah tidur tapi dia masih lincah, masih makan, masih lari-lari, tapi entah kenapa, begitu yang lain pergi, vero juga ikut. mereka semua ninggalin gue disini, gue belum kasih apapun ke mereka. mungkin gue cuma ambil hikmah bahwa, Yang Maha Ngerawat dan Maha Penyayang mau ngerawat mereka dengan tangan-Nya sendiri, tanpa perantara melalui bibi, gue, kaka gue, emak gue, ato siapapun mungkin itu, gue cuma bisa berprasangka, tapi yang tau sebenernya adalah ya Beliau sendiri, yang punya mereka.